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listen while reading.

Yeah, so I’m a girl.

I had a good dream last night.  And I’m going to sound like a total girl when I write this out, but oh well.  Deal with it. ;)

In my dream, I started dating Matthew Perry (Chandler from “Friends”) except somehow we were about the same age (he’s 42 now…apparently I have an ‘old’ guy crush…whatever).  And we had stood up to start going somewhere, and I thought to myself “maybe I’ll try to hold his hand when we start walking”, but instead, he went for my hand, and I was happy about it.  And this hand holding when on throughout the dream, but it was funny because, for some reason, sometimes we couldn’t pull our hands apart.  I think that in the dream, I was blaming it on my fat fingers. Haha. My fingers aren’t FATfat, but they’re not tiny and dainty like my sister’s.

Then, we sat down in either a movie theater or a lecture hall of some sort, and my mom was there, so he was afraid to sit next to me, but I patted on the seat next to me and he sat down.  I remember thinking in the dream that I had to remember to introduce him as Matt and not Chandler. lol.  So, maybe I have more of a crush on the character than the person.

I guess all of this was to point out that, I had  sort of  refocused my attention from romantic things, but apparently my subconscious did not follow my lead. Hmpf.  I mean, good dream, but Hmpf.

listen while reading

And…

Things are starting and things are ending.  I’m excited, happy, full of life and discouraged, restless, down.  I can’t talk about myself and I need to. I’ve taken steps forward, but have so many more to take to be where I want to be.  And I don’t know where I want to be.  I connect on such a deep level with music, and it helps me cope, but sometimes I wonder if I need to sometimes not be alone with my music, but rather out talking with someone about everything.  I’ve just never tried doing it that way.  I rarely talk about how I’m feeling and get really uncomfortable when I do/try to.  I seem to have trapped myself in this pattern of keeping everything in.  I need to break it.  But I don’t know how.

listen while reading

listen while reading! and watch this creepy music video! yikes…

People-Watching.

When I came into Starbucks about 30 min ago, there was hardly anyone here.  Now, there’s a line almost to the door.  I guess I beat the rush. 

I thought about going to First Watch, this cafe right around the corner, but I didn’t really feel like going to a sit-down place alone.  I don’t think I’ve ever done that actually. 

But anyway, I’m here this early (I got here around 7:30) because I’m covering for my sister for a half-day at her nannying job so she can go to a wedding in a state I cannot remember.  If I drove myself there would be no way of getting her car home because someone’s picking her up to drive with her.  In any event, I’m here for a few hours people-watching, one of the factors that made my decision to come to Starbucks easier.  And, when I walked in and Fleet Foxes was playing, I knew I made the right decision.  Plus, this way I can stay as long as I want and not have to pay a waiter.  I also got a comfy chair.

All that was to say, I’m in Starbucks people-watching.  This is what I used to do after classes at Montgomery College.

Currently, there are two women sitting at a table in front of me, two girls that just left laughing, and some other loners, like me, either sitting or waiting for drinks. 

This really cute old man just walked in. I love old people.

I almost feel like I’m somewhere else, which is really appealing to me right now.

A tip for great people-watching (unless you want to hear people’s conversations, which is really interesting sometimes) is to listen to music with headphones on while you’re watching people.  The song you’re listening to can vastly change the way you perceive any given situation between people.  I also like to make up stories about people.

ALRIGHT:

A group of 3 people just walked in.  Two men and a woman.  They are all in work attire, so I think they’re probably co-workers.  One of the men is a little older, so I think he might be the third wheel.  Maybe the other two like each other.  They could be the Pam and Jim of their office.  And the guy with them is Michael Scott. 

Another group of 3 just walked in.  But, these three guys are all dressed very casually. Oh but wait, one of them just left.  He must have not been with them.  Ok. So these two guys are kind of young.  They’re the kind of guys with tattoos, chains, and Timberlands.  Oh wait, the third guy just came back in.  Maybe he’s their mentor or something.  They just got out of bad situations and he’s helping get them back on their feet.

This dad just came in with his two kids. Cute. Enough said.

_________

Lately, I’ve just wanted to be somewhere else.  It’s not just that I love to travel and haven’t gone anywhere recently, but I just have this need to get away.  I’ll have my chance when I leave for Keynote June 14th. 

Some of the employees here are talking about how there aren’t really songs coming out these days that they could listen to over and over again.  Really? What are they listening to??  I would understand if all they’re listening to is radio.  Radio has gotten worse.

________

I find professional people interesting.  I kind of want to go up to them and just be like “so how’s real life?”  I am not looking forward to the day when I have to get a real job/”normal” job.

Aw. Just saw this older man and this younger guy hug.  And he just asked to sit right across from me in the other comfy chair :). He looks like he just went on a hike. 

Just spotted another awesome old guy, and I’m pretty sure he’s holding a copy of “The Giving Tree” under his arm. Fantastic. 

Sometimes I think of people and it weird me out.  It’s like, we are all just creatures walking around with our own stuff that we have to deal with, and our paths intersect with so many others.  AND, I would bet that I know some of these people, even if only very indirectly.  Like the whole ‘7 degrees of separation’ thing.

I think that I need to remind myself today that I am where I am for a reason, and when I’m longing to be somewhere else (like Maine, the beach, New England, etc.), I should remember that I’m blessed to be where I am.

I feel that if I keep writing, I’m just going to ramble on, so I think I’ll stop here.  Sorry for the random-ness.

listen while reading (new entry below)

My heart just feels like it’s working really hard.

I had a really good night. I went to get sushi and to see a movie afterward with my sister and two friends.  We walked back to the car talking and laughing.  Throughout the night we talked about various subjects, catching up and whatnot.  And of course, being college students, school came up, a somewhat dreaded topic for me.

Not dreaded in the sense that I don’t have anything to say about it.  Rather, I just don’t look fondly upon the subject. 

Recently, one of my friends has indirectly decided to not continue with school, something that I have thought about many times before.  And it just gets me thinking about why I’m in school, if I should be, what I would do if I decided to not do school anymore.  I have no plan.  I have no resources.  My parents would not be ok with this. 

Anyway, after I dropped my friends off at their houses, I was in a particularly reflective mood.  So, I stopped by my elementary schools and just sat there, and walked up to the front door.  I LOVED elementary school.  I felt smart.  I felt like I was good at school.  I enjoyed reading and learning.

  "A beautiful place to learn"

My kindergarten class is in that indentation

my school K-2

My mom painted the mural and the bench in front of it. I’m glad it’s still there :). This was my school from 3rd-5th grade

Yes, I was one of the weird kids that actually LIKED school.  What happened? Why don’t I believe in myself anymore?  Why am I lacking direction?

I’m just having such a hard timewith everything right now, especially school. I don’t know if that’s just because it’s been a rough semester, or if I’m just never going to have motivation again. 

In any case, people that could be helping me don’t seem to care aboutwhyI’m not getting the grades I could be getting, onlywhatgrades I’m getting.  Can we dig a little deeper for once? Can we ignore the symptoms for a minute and get down to the real issue here?  I’m not having the conversations I should be having, and if I don’t have those conversations soon, I will just need to find a way to let everything go, because it’s not healthy or right to be resentful.

My heart just feels like it’s working really hard, both physically (literally), and metaphorically.  I just feel so sad right now.  I don’t know if it’s just nighttime that makes me feel this way, or if there’s a real problem. 

In any case….Prayers appreciated.